The Epic Tragedy!
by Sulkie Wolfen
Summary: Kiara and Kovu are so much funnier when they're dead! Rated for bloody violence.


The Epic Tragedy!  
_by Sulkie Wolfen... unfortunately. x(_

**Disclaimer;** -sigh- I don't own TLK, but I own my old fics, which is the basis of this crappy parody.

**Notes;** Hey! I'm back... sort of. I've finally grasped the concept that I'm just not very good at writing LK fics... particularly serious ones. For a while it was reasonable- I was obsessed with Lk, so why not? But now... I'm really not. So the only reason, I have to say, that I'm writing LK fics anymore is for the publicity, which, too, is fading. I finally decided it would be nice to have a soul, so I realized how insanely superficial I was being, and... so this is goodbye, I guess? Always knew I'd go out with a -crosses out "bang"- parody.

X

There once was a lion cub named Sulkie Wolfen. Sulkie Wolfen was a distressed, pained creature. She knew no happiness or acceptance, only rejection and strife.

But then, she came to Simba's pride. The first thing she saw was this omgsoawesome huge rock. It was called Pride Rock, as she immediately knew because it was just... like, duh!

"HEYYY!" she screamed. "Where is everybody?"

To her luck, soon she had an answer. A little cub who was probably a little younger than her and had a really ugly orange face like clay came out. "Hiya!" she said brightly. "Are you looking for a place to stay? Do you wanna become part of our super cool pride?"

"Yeah!" Sulkie Wolfen grinned.

The ugly cub laughed. "Well ya can't have one! Because King Simba's such a friggen biatch so he doesn't let anyone into the pride! Because, see, see, he had this reeeeally bad experience as a cub and now he's like uber obsessive compulsive about it. So bye!"

This made Sulkie Wolfen even sadder than she already was. "Oh..." she moaned. "Bye then." And she slumped off like the sad little creature she was.

X

Sulkie Wolfen had stayed in her own little personal corner for several days now, crying incessantly. How could that uptight, selfish pride throw her precious little self back into the dirt? It just wasn't fair! It made Sulkie Wolfen first sad, and then very angry. And Sulkie Wolfen was a very smart little cub. She was also a shape shifter!

"Turno-into-humano-presto!" she shrieked. And then she turned into a human! Sulkie Wolfen was a beautiful human. She had bright blue eyes that looked like they were burning a hole through you! And looooong flowy blond hair that drifted to her knees! And for some reason, even though she never so much as touched it, it was always perfect! Her bangs fell perfectly by the sides of her face! And she had a great fashion sense and was exactly, precisely the right size! She was almost anorexic, even! All the men and/or homosexual women would be fawning over her, Sulkie Wolfen knew.

Anyway, so then human Sulkie Wolfen caught a plane out of Africa. She went back to her home in crappy northern California. There, she carefully designed her design for an Evil-Lion-Killing machine! It took her many many months, and when she was done, she was very happy.

X

"Mmm Kovu, you're sooo hot!" Kiara squealed.

"But I have such a dark past... and I could never be with you... plus you're really ugly!" Kovu whined.

Kiara was completely oblivious. "I looove your little eyyyyyes... and your fur! That omgawesome shade of... umm..."

"Brown?" Kovu offered.

"Yeah that's it!" Kiara grinned. She batted at Kovu's gooooorgeous mane and cuddled closer to him. "I love you, Kovukins!" she said. "I hope we can be together forever and form a little happily-ever-after song and have FUN!"

Kiara was sooo ugly. Kovu had no idea what he'd done to deserve this. But he was a really nice guy, so he decided it would be fun to pretend he liked her too. "Yeah Kiara, I lov-"

BOOM!

The Sulkie Wolfen had come back! She had sent her machine off.

Lives end so quickly, it's astonishing. One moment ago, Kiara and Kovu were having a conversation... but now, all that was left of them were little bits. A pool of blood lay amongst putrid, burnt flesh. Fur was scorched black and had melded into a sludgy substance... and they were dead.

Simba was prancing through the fields. There were flowers, and it smelled nice, and oooh he just loved it. But then he stepped on something nasty. "Kiara?"

THE (sad, saaad) END! The story is over. And you're never going to see anything new by the Sulkie Wolfen ever again. What're you gonna do, cry about it?

X

A/N: Really sorry about the level of crap this fic displays. I had to say goodbye somehow...

So I got a review from a person called leo'1-susu on "Deprived." They found it so bad that they wrote an entire review of cracking up about it. I would have been offended, except that I started reading it again and I couldn't even make it through the first paragraph without being embarrassed and, needless to say, amused. So I realized I really needed to acknowledge my idiocy... Oh, also I hope you know that "Sulkie Wolfen's" human form is in no way based on me XP

I suppose if for some reason you can forgive me for this awful fic, and have decided you still like my work, you can check out my other account- Boggle Faye. Well... bye!


End file.
